Stop, Or My First Baseman Will Shoot

Major League Baseball says its rules banning weapons from clubhouses was in place last year, but the implementation this month of the Weapon-Free Workplace Policy will ensure that all clubhouses carry signs - similar to the anti-gambling signs that worked so well in the Pete Rose case - that prohibit anyone working for the league to possess deadly weapons. The league defines "deadly weapon," in a spectacular example of legalese, as "any instrument or device designed primarily for use in inflicting death or injury to a human or animal or is capable of inflicting death or injury if used in the manner it was designed." An MLB spokesman confirmed the policy bans firearms, explosives, daggers, metal knuckles (do people still use those?), switchblades (or those?) and knives with blades exceeding 5 inches, and then declined further comment.


My second-favorite word in the whole definitive mess is "primarily." This allows ballplayers to carry all sorts of implements that the FAA has already deemed dangerous, from box cutters to nail clippers - not to mention knives of up to 5 inches in length.

My favorite, though, is the inclusion of the phrase, "an animal." I'm guessing here, but I'm assuming that this is intended to ward off a potential Michael Vick-style clubhouse scandal.

Page 1 of 250
Next Page
Buyer's Guide
Information on more than 3,000 companies, sorted by category. Listings are updated daily.
Learn More
Buyer's Guide
AB Show 2023 in Baltimore
AB Show is a solution-focused event for athletics, fitness, recreation and military professionals.
Nov 1-4, 2023
Learn More
AB Show 2023